Introduction
A while back, I wrote a post about narcissistic traits and how they can wreck a marriage relationship. If you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits–whether it be your spouse, parent, coworker, etc.--they likely use a variety of tactics that can make you doubt yourself and question your reality. One of the main tactics used is gaslighting. Since this term keeps popping up on social media, I thought it would be helpful to explain this type of communication so that you can understand the damage it causes and protect yourself against it. I have so many clients who have experienced gaslighting, and it can wreck your mental health if you don’t understand it.
Gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where a person seeks to make someone doubt their own perceptions and reality, is a toxic behavior that can infiltrate any relationship. This is especially true when you are in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies (and definitely in those with NPD). But in Christian marriages, where mutual respect, love, kindness, and spiritual growth are foundational, the presence of gaslighting can be particularly destructive. Understanding gaslighting, recognizing its signs, and finding ways to overcome it is crucial for maintaining a healthy, Christ-centered marriage.
Narcissistic people love having power and control in relationships, and gaslighting is a major tool in that process. It helps them gain control and, in time, create a codependent relationship with their victim. In short, “someone who gaslights another person, such as a child, partner, or family member, wants to make that person question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality (Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, p. 37).
But what does it sound like exactly?
Here are some of the most common gaslighting phrases I hear:
You’re just so sensitive!
I was just joking. Why do you get so upset about things?
It’s not a big deal.
You’re always being dramatic!
That never happened.
I never said that. You’re always remembering things wrong.
There you go again, being so ________.
You sound crazy, you know that right?
That never happened! I don’t know what you’re talking about.
What does that say about you?
Stop taking everything so seriously.
You’re just like your __________. (Someone in their family who has undesirable qualities).
Understanding Gaslighting
Gaslighting involves a series of manipulative behaviors aimed at undermining a person's confidence in their own thoughts and feelings. This can include outright lying, denial of past events, trivializing the victim's feelings, and using their faith or religious beliefs against them.
In a Christian context, gaslighting can sometimes be veiled under the guise of spiritual guidance or religious authority, making it harder to identify and address. This form of manipulation can erode the victim’s self-esteem, leading them to question their sanity and spiritual well-being.
Signs of Gaslighting in Christian Marriages
Spiritual Manipulation: One spouse may use scripture or religious teachings to control or belittle the other, often twisting biblical messages to justify their behavior or to keep their spouse controlled.
Undermining Faith: The gaslighter might challenge the victim’s personal relationship with God, making them feel spiritually inadequate or unworthy.
Denial and Minimization: The manipulative partner might deny or downplay their harmful actions, making the victim doubt their own experiences and feelings.
Isolation: Encouraging the victim to distance themselves from their church community, mentors, friends, or even family to gain more control.
Blame Shifting: The abuser often shifts blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the gaslighter's behavior or for the issues within the marriage.
How it Affects You
When someone has been gaslighting you for a while—and I have seen where this happens for decades—there are some consistent effects on the person. Often the spouse of someone who uses gaslighting will present to me in therapy with anxiety, depression, and if it has been going on for too long, even suicidal ideation. Here are some feelings and experiences you will likely have if you have been in a gaslighting, narcissistic relarionship:
Constant Self-Doubt: Feeling like you can't trust your own thoughts and constantly questioning your memory or perceptions.
Feeling Unworthy: Believing that you're a failure as a Christian or spouse or a mom/dad, often because your partner has planted these seeds in your mind for years.
Inconsistent Reality: Frequently hearing contradictory statements from your partner about past events or discussions.
Emotional Manipulation: Experiencing guilt or shame over matters that are unjustly placed upon you by your partner. *There are SO many ways a person with narcissistic tendencies may abuse their partner. Some therapists call narcissistic abuse "death by a thousand cuts." I created a longer assessment of these nuanced forms of abuse in an assessment I use with Christian clients. If you're interested, get a copy here.
Overcoming Gaslighting in a Christian Marriage
Seek Clarity Through Prayer: Turn to prayer and ask for God’s guidance and wisdom. Seek discernment to understand the truth of your situation.
Biblical Affirmation: Study the Bible independently to understand God’s love and your value in His eyes. Scripture is a source of truth that can help counteract manipulative messages.
Community Support: Engage with trusted friends, church members, mentors, or a counselor. Having an external perspective can provide clarity and support. This is also also incredibly important because these relationships are intentionally isolating. The abuser wants you to be alone and feel alone because they have much more power over you.
Set Boundaries: Establish and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation. This may involve setting clear limits on acceptable behavior. An EXCELLENT book on this is Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Townsend and Cloud. It is a solid book on boundaries, and it was written through the lens of Scripture.
Professional Help: Seek counseling from a professional who understands both psychological abuse and the Christian faith. This dual understanding can help address the unique dynamics at play. Use the assessment above as a start to understanding whether your marriage involves gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse.
Recognizing Overall Narcissistic Behavior
Since gaslighting is often present in relationships with someone with narcissistic traits, I wanted to include a quick overview of someone with this personality disorder. It will be helpful as you seek counseling, either individual or couples.
Excessive Need for Admiration: Constantly seeking praise and validation, often to the detriment of their partner’s needs.
Lack of Empathy: Inability or unwillingness to understand or care about their partner’s feelings and experiences.
Manipulative Behavior: Using others to achieve their own goals, often without regard for the consequences on their partner.
Entitlement: Believing they deserve special treatment and that their needs should always come first. If you find yourself in a marriage with a narcissistic partner who gaslights, it’s crucial to prioritize your mental and spiritual health. Remember that a Christian marriage should reflect the love, respect, and mutual support that Christ models for us. While forgiveness and patience are virtues, they should not come at the expense of your well-being. Consider the following steps as you move forward:
Reflect on Your Worth: Remember that you are valued and loved by God. Your worth is not determined by your partner’s treatment of you.
Rebuild Your Support System: Engage in activities and relationships that affirm your identity and strengths. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and support you.
Make Informed Decisions: Whether it’s seeking counseling, setting boundaries, or considering separation, make decisions that prioritize your health and safety.
Conclusion
Gaslighting in Christian marriages is a serious issue that can distort a person’s sense of self and their relationship with God. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting, seeking support, and relying on faith can help victims reclaim their reality and restore the health of their marriage. Remember, a Christian marriage should reflect Christ's love and truth, fostering an environment where both partners can grow spiritually and emotionally.
If you or someone you know is experiencing gaslighting, it’s important to reach out for help. Your spiritual well-being and mental health are of utmost importance, and there are resources and people ready to support you on your journey to healing.
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